Self Check Out THIS

For a while now, I've been suspicious that much of modern, novel technology is actually categorically stupid and unhelpful. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for technology in some forms: computers that help me type (and make this blog possible), dishwashers that do the work for me saving my hands from unwanted prune-ish-ness, digital picture frames that stop every flat surface in our small house from becoming cluttered with photos. But there are new and novel items out there that I believe are actually making life (my life at least) worse rather than better.

Case in Point: Grocery Store Self Check Out.

Now, in theory, it makes sense. Avoid the long lines, skip the cashier that may or may not be helpful and pleasant today, zip through the self-check out, scan a few things, and KAZAAM, you're outta there, back to enjoying life in paradise. Unfortunately, it never, ever goes quite this way. In fact, the last time I visited the self-check out, I became engaged in a cosmic battle for control of my groceries...and barely got out alive.

PLEASE SCAN YOUR FISRT ITEM AND PLACE IT IN THE BAG, the machine yells at me. There is not mute option on these bohemouth machines. So I scan my first item.
BLEEEEEP.
A success. I place it in the "bagging area". (I'm going to try to use my own bags to bag my groceries, which is a giant mistake, as trying to do this can anger the self-check-out-machine-gods, as we will see, who will punish you with shame later.)
My second item, breakfast cereal, is also easy.
BLEEEEEP.
The third item is where everything starts to go south. It's a small package of spices (short digression: why are spices 1/12 the price in the hispanic foods section? I feel like I've struck a GOLD mine having figured this out.). Unfortunately, the little envelopes of spices in the hispanic section do not weigh enough for the special machine to recognize. So I scan it,
BLEEP
and put it in the "bagging area" as it declares
PLEASE PUT THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING....
I forsee that this might be a problem so I try to quickly scan the next item.
BLEEP
But it's too late.
PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA.
So I try to put the spice bag on the little metal scales to no avail.
PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA.
I try to take it away to replace it when
AN ITEM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BAGGING AREA. PLEASE RETURN THE ITEM TO THE BAGGING AREA. AN ITEM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BAGGGING AREA. PLEASE RETURN THE ITEM TO THE BAGGING AREA.
Like some sort of nagging spouse, the machine will continue with this monologue until you offer it something to appease its anger. I try to trick it by placing my reusable bag in the bagging area, like Indiana Jones in the beginning of that one movie where he steals the statue and replaces it with a bag of sand...big mistake.
AN ITEM HAS BEEN ADDED TO THE BAGGING AREA. PLEASE REMOVE ITEM FROM THE BAGGING AREA.
It's like trying to argue with a person who has no access to rational thought. (And is it just me or are its protestations getting louder with each command?) Now the people waiting behind me in line are starting to stare, smugly believing that they can master this process with much more grace. I dutifully, as if appeasing some unseen and moody God, remove the reusable bag from the bagging area, find the "I do not wish to bag this item" button and after a full minute of gargling and whizzing inside the machine, it returns to normal mode. (Don't even get me STARTED on trying to purchase produce with one of these things!) I gingerly scan my next few items, with an appropriate level of apprehension and fear (each time I do this I identify more and more with ancient peoples and their elaborate rituals to please the Gods and elicit Godly favor rather than wrath.)
After only a few more altercations, I manage to get most of my items scanned and stacked, albeit precariously, in "the bagging area." Because the bagging area is not big enough for very many items, and because you can't remove them, it can get very tricky.
I press "Finish and Pay" glad to finally be close to finished with this ordeal.
PLEASE SCAN YOUR REWARDS CARD.
PLEASE CHECK YOUR CART FOR OTHER ITEMS.
PLEASE SCAN ANY COUPONS.
PLEASE SELECT THE PAYMENT METHOD.
I select credit, move to the other end of the machine to scan my card, move back to the front end to enter my zip code, move back to the other end to approve the amount....
PLEASE USE PINPAD TO COMPLETE YOUR TRANSACTION.
Now I'm getting flustered with all these commands, so I do not see that Mr. Love-it-or-leav-it has decided to help by beginning to bag our items in our resulable bags. It is our downfall.
AN ITEM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BAGGING AREA. PLEASE RETURN ITEM TO THE BAGGING AREA.
AN ITEM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BAGGING AREA. PLEASE RETURN ITEM TO THE BAGGING AREA.
AN ITEM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BAGGING AREA. PLEASE RETURN ITEM TO THE BAGGING AREA.
It has become too much. We have been defeated. The annoyed customers behind us give us shaming looks, the store staff who have been loitering around the manager's station this whole time are staring at us. We replace the items, finish the transaction, then quickly try to bag our items and flee the scene, leaving in a whirlwind of anger and humiliation. I have to take a 3 hour nap later in the day to recover.



Now tell me, fair readers, is this technological advancement is a sign of development? Is it helping us live better lives or save time for other, more important an fulfilling activities? Or is it something used to punish us for our constant need to innovate? And it's not just your local Star Market: these things are everywhere, from Costco to Home Depot (can you imagine going through one of these things with a five gallon bucket of mayonnaise or a two-by-four???) For my money, I'm with staying in the stone age, my mental health, and spice envelope fully intact and headed for my nearest, potentially grumpy cashier.