Hallmark Hell

Father's Day is coming up this Sunday, which means that I recently spent a significant amount of time in Target's card aisle searching for the perfect card.

Now, I happen to share many traits with my father, including a general ability to get worked up about things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Those of you who know me personally can attest to this: I can get worked up about almost anything. My father would call it "allowing myself to get annoyed." I like to think of it as "Poignant and Passionate Observations about the State of Things."

So it was not a huge surprise that there in the card aisle I got worked into a lather about the state of the greeting card industry. Mostly I was annoyed that I could not find anything that I felt would appropriately express my affection. Most cards seemed to simply reinforce antiquated gender stereotypes, which is fine, except that none of them apply to my father.

Here is representative sample of what I did find:
Hey, Dad! You're fat and love golf. Happy Father's Day!
It's Father's Day. You deserve time to sit on your ass, watch TV and let mom cook and clean.
Dad, you didn't really parent me that much. But what'd'ya say we drink 25 beers together, watch sports and fart at will to celebrate? Happy Father's Day.
Dad, I love that you fix things with your manly tools. Happy Father's Day.
Dad, thanks for all the hard-earned money you spent to get me this far in life. Happy Father's Day.

Seemingly, the only alternative to these more "humorous" options are the overly sappy poetic expressions of an unbelievably perfect father-child relationship that doesn't actually exist anywhere. Something that goes like this:

Dad, when you used to bounce me on your knee as a child, I always felt warm and protected by your manly father-ness. I knew you would always provide for me as was your genetic duty. Thanks for all the fishing trips and bike-rides and ball tosses and afternoons in the workshop building toys and laughing together that made me the (wo/man) I am today. Happy Father's Day to the best man who exists IN THE UNIVERSE and probably all nearby galaxies. You change my life.

I mean, this is great and all, and I do love my dad and think he is the best ever, but I'm not sure this is what I want to say to him on Father's Day in large script on a pastel background with abstract but manly swirls of silver overlay. (BTW, Dad, did you ever really bounce me on your knee?)

(Note: This problem is not one that only happens on Father's Day, but really on all holidays. Last year, for instance, I had a devil of a time trying to find a Mother's Day card for my grandmother that didn't make reference to the many cookies she had baked for me as a child. My grandmother is quite an incredible woman and an important part of my life. Unfortunately, though, I don't think she ever baked me any cookies and is therefore left out of the greeting card industry's idea of good grandmotherhood.)

So, I've decided that once I have saved the church, started my pizza joint, bought and managed an organic farm and vineyard, and finished saving for retirement, I will use what's left of my days to start my own greeting card company which will only print on recycled paper and express more straightforward sentiments such as:

Dad, you're an absolutely great guy. I'm glad you're my father. I love you. Happy Father's Day.

But until that day comes, I'll give a shout-out to my own dad here in the blogosphere:
Dad, you're an absolutely great guy. I'm glad you're my father. I love you. Happy Father's Day.
Love, Me


p.s. Dad-In case you're worried, I did send you an actual card, which I hope arrives on time. :)