Too Cool for Rules

See me coming? You can purchase one of these signs, which I'll ingnore, here.

There are particularly ironies in life that are sometimes difficult to escape, no matter how we may try, and one of them for me is that despite the fact that I'm a minister and am supposed to be all holy and stuff, it is actually my spouse, Mr. LIOLI, who usually wins the "generally being a good person" award in our household most of the time. This is because Mr. LIOLI is a really good person, he doesn't just play one on TV (and by that I mean, "On Sundays."). He is compassionate and generous, rarely judgmental or resentful, does not gossip or swear, and has a work ethic that outlasts me on my most productive and focused of days. On top of all this (and the thing which usually gets to me) is that he follows the rules.

I never thought of myself as someone who doesn't follow the rules until I got married to someone who does and who regularly calls me on my rule-breaking tendencies, by saying, in an exasperated tone, "Why don't you think any of the rules apply to you?"

But that's just it, isn't it? I really don't. When I see a sign, for instance, that says, "All dogs must be on a leash at all times." My thought process goes something (or exactly) like this: Well, they're obviously not talking about people like me and my dog. They're talking about those other irresponsible dog owners, whose dogs might, say, charge at other dogs or people or run out into the street or whatever. (Insert sound of dog leash unclicking and giant dog charging another dog in the immediate vicinity and then running out into the street, something which happens on a very regular basis but never phases me.) Or maybe I might find another equally irrational excuse such as: Well, that obviously doesn't apply "fill in excuse category here" (at night or in the winter or when it rains or if there are no other dogs in sight).  

Having been forced to think about this, I realize that this stuff happens to me all the time (think the seatbelt light on the plane, no trespassing signs, school requirements, entrance fees, no left turn signs, I could go on). However, it only seems ridiculous when I am forced to articulate my disregard for the rules to Mr. LIOLI whose inclination is to put the dog on the leash, pay the fee, stay out of forbidden areas, buckle his seatbelt when told to do so by a crew member and go around the block for Christ's sake.

All this is not to say Mr. LIOLI never breaks the rules or that I never follow them, but is simply an opportunity for self-reflection. Where did I get this subversive tendency? Is it indicative of some deeper sense of entitlement that I should investigate? Are they really talking about "people like me"? Do you think any of the rules apply to you?

Improve-isational

But seriously though, about the nutrition thing, I have actually figured out why I can never eat healthily. It's because I'm an improver. That is what I do, I improve things. So whenever I eat anything really healthy (read: Tasteless.) all I can think of is how to make it better. It's who I am, and you wouldn't want to change that would you?

Take plain yogurt for instance, a favorite of health nuts everywhere. And it is good, isn't it? We even make our own. But do you know what makes it even BETTER? Topping. I've just recently honed in on the perfect blend of walnuts, hazelnuts, sunflower seeds, raisins, craisins, and flax seeds (for my health, you know) which when consumed in nearly direct proportion to the yogurt makes it unbelievably delicious.

Or how about eggs? High protein, relatively low fat, a standard snack. Good right? Yes. Especially when you mix them with other stuff such as cheese and cream and delicious roasted vegetables and form them into quiches and souffles. Delicious!

Or peanut butter? A little on the fatty side, but still okay right. No....better than okay, WONDERFUL, especially if you mix it with Nutella and Bananas and some form of probably-not-whole-wheat-bread. A revelation!

I could go on and on, but what I'm actually saying is that I don't feel that leaving the world without improvement is a very fair or just thing to do. So I'm sorry I can't help you with that. But I did just pull a delicious Mushroom-Gruyere quiche out of the oven if you're in the neighborhood......

Doctor, Doctor

Dear Doctor,

It was nice to meet with you briefly last month for my annual check-up in which you didn't actually check me for anything at all, not even hitting my knee with that little hammer, but rather only talked with me about my health generally, which I was glad we didn't do over the phone because that wouldn't have felt very official and wouldn't have involved me walking 20 minutes in the rain to your office and reading a 2005 People magazine in your waiting room. Nonetheless, it was nice to talk with you a bit about my health, except for that whole part when you asked if there was anything about my health that had been bothering me, and when I responded "Yes" with a few questions I had, you charged me for a COMPLETELY SEPARATE visit and billed my insurance company $900. I also wanted to thank your financial department for their sensitivity when I called to explain the situation and my disbelief about being charged twice for one and the same 30 minute visit with particular gratitude to the customer "service" agent who repeated "There are different codes." 74 times until I thought I was going to have an aneurysm, but realized I couldn't afford it. It was really generous of them to waive the $25 co-pay I would have had to pay for the second visit, which was actually the same visit.

It will be exciting to receive the two dozen "Explanation of Benefits" mailings I will now receive from my insurance company while you guys fight to the death over whether they'll play your "actual rate" of $900 (which no one pays except those schmucks with no health insurance) or the" adjusted rate", which is about 75% less but still twice my monthly salary.

I also felt very appreciative of your suggestion that I see a Nutritionist, as I think I would very much benefit from hearing someone in a white coat remind me that if I eat less and work out more I can lose weight. Unfortunately, I'm unable to follow through with your suggestion, as my insurance doesn't cover Nutritionists and the practitioner your office recommended charges "between $150 and $300" for the first visit (depending on what, I don't know. Pounds you weigh? Vocation? Obsession with cheese?).

Between you and me, I'm so glad that the Republicans have decided to do away with this health care reform nonsense. Obviously, the system is working fine.

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to seeing you again next year, and I hope you're able to buy yourself something special for yourself with my $900.

All the best,

Love-it-or-leav-itt

Terrible, terrible, terrible:

While searching for my own blog online (because I could not figure out how to add a link to a particular post on my own blog from within blogspot...I know, I suck), I found this, which is pretty much the most awful and heretical thing I have ever seen, but which I am now kind of obsessed with not in a good way: Jesus Dress Up.

Ambition (to the tune of "Tradition")

Does anyone else feel as though your level of ambition has been steadily declining since about age 19? I certainly do. If you had asked me exactly ten years ago about what I would do with my life it probably would have gone something like this:
"I'll probably go to law school (and do very well of course) and then work for a non-profit helping the poor before running for public office and then becoming the youngest president ever (take that JFK) and solving war, hunger and poverty at home and abroad, after which I might get ordained as a minister and run a huge, awesome and progressive church that does lots of good justice work. In my spare time, I would start a few NGOs to help people who needed it while simultaneously being an adjunct professor of religion and politics and  building my dream home and having a family full of equally accomplished and hilarious individuals."*

I should note, given previous confessions on the topic, that this is not an exaggeration. (I was 19 years old, which explains some of it, but it is pretty ridiculous huh?)

Well, it's been a decade and I've managed to do exactly one of these things which is become a minister (well, two maybe, as Mr. LIOLI is accomplished and fairly hilarious.). Here I am working at this tiny little church that, though it is a lifeline to the 40 folks in it, isn't doing anything majorly groundbreaking or newsworthy. And I go to work every day and don't think about saving the world, but instead I think that I hope the copy toner lasts long enough to make 30 bulletins so I can lead those people in worship. A I think that I hope I have some good supportive conversations afterward. And I think that whoops, I forgot to remind people that we have a budget committee meeting later. And I think that I hope the church doesn't run out of money and have to let me go soon. And sometimes I wonder, what happened? When did I lose all my vision?** It's not that I feel unsatisfied with my life (I don't) or that I believe it's too late to pursue these things if I really wanted to (It isn't), it's just that my life in many ways is so different than what I thought it would be and the things I want and am willing to pursue are so different. I wonder if this is normal. Or if it means that we should put all the 20 year olds in charge of the world before they lose the idealism that makes them tick. For now, I think I'll set my sights high for this weekend in a sermon on baptism and making some fresh ricotta.




*I was thinking of making the subject of this post the embarrassing anecdote that many of my friends love about me coming out of the bathroom one morning while getting ready to go to church and saying to JDogg, while crying, "I thought I would be one of the greats." He simply looked at me over the top of his Consumer Reports Magazine and said, with all the compassion and understanding that make him a perfect partner for me, "Yeah," which somehow made me feel better. But sharing that on the world wide web would just be too silly, right?
**A colleague once explained to me that there were visionary leaders and then people like me, who followed visionary leaders and maintained the status quo by making copies and stuff. True story. Don't worry. I'm totally over that now and not at all compelled to complain about this on the internet.

Post-Christmas Procrastination

Having just come back from a week of vacation in tropical paradise (from which I seriously considered never returning), I'm doing the only rational thing one can do at this point: completely procrastinating getting back into the swing of things. Though I did experience a very brief surge of "re-charged-ness" immediately upon my return, I think that must have just been the jetlag (which I've yet to shake off and instead am staying up until midnight every night watching TV and doing other useless projects and dragging myself out of bed around 10.) All this means that I've spent more than my usual alloted time surfing the web this week and now have finally come around to blogging as a last resort back-door to productivity. (Were I to be asked for an accounting of my time this week, I would label this part "sermon preparation.")  But you'll be happy to know that my web surfing has not been completely fruitless.  In fact is has included both an exhaustive search of cheap tropical vacation packages (it's never too soon to continue to rejuvenate, right?!) and also catching up on a variety of holiday you-tube videos that I missed while, you know, preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ and then laying on a beach for a week to recover.

One thing I did find that was worth sharing was the following video which my dad actually sent to me. It's a flashmob* of a choir singing the hallelujah chorus in a mall food court. It has all the typical flashmob elements (surprise, confused bystanders, a guy holding up a "WET FLOOR" sign in triumph while singing and wearing a slightly suspect fake janitor's uniform), but I found this one particularly powerful given the content. Now I recognize that music is a strange and powerful thing, in that it allows messages to be expressed that might not be received in normal speech. In other words, I think we will usually tolerate song lyrics that include ideas and feelings which we could not (or would not) tolerate were they simply spoken. This can be bad (in that it allows me to have fun while belting out somewhat misogynistic gansta rap lyrics in the car driving to church) or good (in that it allows a truly powerful message to be heard as more benign than it is). Think for a moment (and when you are watching this, if you do) about the actual lyrics** of the Hallelujah chorus (repetitions here eliminated for the sake of brevity and clarity):

Hallelujah! For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth. Hallelujah!

The kingdom of this world is become

the kingdom of our Lord, and of His Christ.

And He shall reign for ever and ever,

King of kings, and Lord of lords, and He shall reign forever and ever. Hallelujah!

Now I'm not sure about you, but this is pretty powerful stuff. In the middle of a mall during the holiday season  in which the gospel of over-consumption is being preached at every turn making you feel as though if you don't go home with an IPad you will have failed at life, here are 50 people belting out "The Kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ".  Intense, right?

Now I'm not meaning to imply that any of these folks are doing this as a religious demonstration, but still, I find it sort of subversive. Can you imagine, for instance, if they had just walked into the mall and started shouting "The Lord God Omnipotent Reigneth"? Do you think for a second that they wouldn't have been thrown out immediately by a few mall cops on Segways? Saying this stuff a few thousand years ago (or even a few hundred) would have gotten you killed (Jesus, for instance). But here it is, thanks to Handel, stopping people in their tracks in the mall, Arby's BBQ sauce running down their chins, listening for a moment to the gospel. Crazy, right? See what you think:

*Have I ever mentioned here my complete obsession with flash mobs? I preached a sermon about flash mobs about a month ago. Not sure how it was received, but for my part I thought it was awesome! 
**Are you aware that almost all the lyrics from Handel's messiah are direct quotations from scripture? Mostly from the Hebrew Prophets, but some (such as those in the Hallelujah Chorus) from the New Testament (in this case the Revelation to John.)