Exaggeration Station

So I've come up against a new problem lately: literalists.

Not biblical literalists. I can deal with those. These are literal literalists; they take everything I say literally.

Now, as you may have noticed from this blog, I consider myself to be somewhat of a storyteller, a spinner of yarns, if you will. And I freely admit that there are times when a story needs a little "boost". Now don't get me wrong, facts are facts, but there are some situations in which a little splash of excitement and drama is necessary to make the telling of the story worthwhile. This is all for the sake of the hearers, of course, so that they can experience first hand the original sense of the narrative. I don't consider a little bit of enhancement to be off-limits, especially if I'm trying to tell a funny story or a story about something that annoyed me.*

But recently, my storytelling abilities have been stalled by the literalists. I'll give you an example:

Me: I went to Target yesterday to buy paper towels, and there was only one checkstand open, on a SATURDAY, and there were fifty-eight people in line.....I had to wait in line for an hour to pay.
Literalist #1: You really had to wait a whole hour?

See, this is where I get stopped up. Because there is not way to respond to the literalist. Okay, so maybe there were three checkstands open and I only waited five minutes behind three people, but I was in a hurry so it felt like an hour. (Besides, it wouldn't be worth retelling if it went like this: I was in Target and had to wait the normal amount of time to pay for my items.) But to explain all this would be to kill the story-telling buzz for both the teller and the hearer. Because the teller is forced to confront his or her exaggeration (never fun), and the hearer forced to realize that it wasn't a very good story to begin with.

So, I would like to propose a new system for letting the exaggerators remain in the closet and the literalists feel safe. My new system is called: Don't ask, don't tell. The basic premise is that no one should question any of the facts of my stories, and I won't tell you the mundane details of my life that are not (at least mildly) entertaining. This way, we'll all feel fulfilled and keep boredom (and terrorism) at bay.


*As it turns out, exaggerating is actually a genetic trait. My father has it, evidenced by the fact that 30% of my childhood was spent asking "MOM, is that true?" Scientists are still working on finding the gene for it, but it definitely may be connected to the easily-worked-up-about-things gene, also dominant in my family.

Watch It....

So, I've joined Weight Watchers again, mainly just to remind myself why it's not a good idea to eat Indian take out every night and have multiple servings of Brie cheese at every party. I've done it before and it's usually a great wake-up call about my health habits. Also, the stress of graduate school is having an effect on my figure, so it was more than time.

But joining up prompted me to share this story about last time I tried to join Weight Watchers, which is actually inexplicably hilarious.

So we're in the meeting and the leader is describing the plan to us (you know, making good food decisions, planning things out, less bread, more veggies....typical stuff), and in walks a very tall, very skinny woman with green eyebrows. (The color of her eyebrows is irrelevant to the story, but an interesting fact!) Now I'm not one to try to create animosity between women of different sizes and shapes, but this was not the body type one expects to see at a Weight Watchers meeting. However, no one seemed to mind so she sat down. After a few moments, she raises her hand and the following dialog ensued:

Instructor: Hi. Welcome to Weight Watchers. Are you interested in joining us today?
Skinny Lady: No. Actually, some of my co-workers are really overweight so I'm checking out this program so I can recommend it to them.
(At this point, I am beginning to feel a little resentful imagining what I might feel like if one of my coworkers told me that she visited a weight loss meeting in order to check it out for me....I can sense from looking around the table that I'm not alone.)
Instructor: Ummm......okay. Well, as I was saying, with Weight Watchers there is a points value assigned to each different food. You get so many points per day and...
Skinny Lady: Excuse me?
Instructor: Yes?
Skinny Lady: What resources do you have for people who need to gain weight?
(Awkward silence.)
Instructor: Well, not really any. This is mainly a program for people to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight.
Skinny Lady: So you don't have anything for people who are too thin?
Instructor: No.
Skinny Lady: Okay then.....

At which point, I was no longer able to pay attention because my blood pressure had gone up 70% in the last three minutes. In my head, I was thinking of genius things to say to green-eyebrows such as "I'LL GIVE YOU A RESOURCE FOR GAINING WEIGHT: IT'S CALLED A HAMBURGER YOU CRAZY $#%@#" or as my friend N says "You should be aware that you look like a ham sandwhich to everyone in here, so you should watch it....."

Radial Head (No, not Radio Head...Radial Head)

Fair Readers-

I'm so sorry to have neglected you for this long...you must have felt as though you were in blogging purgatory. Alas, I was kept from updating my musings by a broken radial head.

For those of you unfamiliar with human anatomy (as I was until recently), the radial head is the end of your radius (lower arm bone) which connects to your humorous (upper arm. bone). It looks like this:


And I broke mine. How you ask? Well, by doing something very risky and treacherous otherwise known as walking. That's right. Nothing adventurous or exciting. I was simply walking and fell down and broke my elbow. I also happened to be carrying a plate of food into a meeting when this happened, which made everything a bit more messy and embarrassing. In fact while some of my other colleagues rushed to help me, a law student also in the meeting turned to his friend and said "I hope we don't get charged a cleaning fee for the carpet." And that, my friends, is why I'm in the Divinity School.

Now, as you might imagine, one's radial head is something that goes unappreciated much of the time. However, upon breaking it, one soon realizes its absolute necessity for all manner of tasks including:
Getting dressed*
Driving
Washing your hair
Doing dishes
Sleeping
Walking the dog
And yes, typing (hence my extended absence from the blog-o-sphere).

But you will be happy to know that I am back on track, with only slightly limited mobility, and of course MUCH more gratitude for my radial head. So expect more updates soon from What's Up, Jesus?


*You know you've been married a while when your life partner's main function is to put your bra on, instead of take it off. Thank God for Mr. Love-it-or-leav-it!

This is how I am currently feeling about my job search.....

Missed Connection

Sometimes, even when you really, really, really love someone and you've committed your lives to one another, and agreed to be a team forever, and gotten to know each other as well as anyone can know another person, you can still be ships passing in the night of enthusiasm and interest.

Rub-a-dub-dub!

Why is it that we tend to spend an inordinate amount of time in the shower washing parts of ourselves that aren't actually that dirty? Such as the center of our chest or our upper arms. I've been tracking this recently, and have found it quite hilarious. I will spend several full minutes loofah-ing my arms and shoulders (as if their cleanliness is really a problem for me who sits at a desk all day reading and thinking about theology). For some reason it's hilarious to me that something that we do every single day could actually make no sense from an efficiency standpoint.....Thoughts, dear readers?

When is "Fat" going to be the new black?

I've been waiting for a while now for a fashion trend to sweep the nation: fat as the new black. Seriously, when is plump going to come back into style? Almost everyone in the 16th century dug chubby, pale chicks, and I must say I can't wait for those days to return. Then those of us who are not naturally thin pixies could relax and have another cookie just for the fun of it.

For my part, I eat relatively healthily (although I do LOVE big fancy meals...but try to save them for the weekends), and try to incorporate lean meats and veggies. I limit my alcohol and caffeine intake and have switched completely to Splenda in my coffee (thanks M!). I exercise a few days a week and walk here and there. But all this is no match for an aging body, a slowing metabolism, and a stressful lifestyle, all of which have contributed to making me quite well-insulated for this chilly climate. And I'd like not to have to worry about that absolutely every minute of every day.

Now, let me be clear: I fully understand that the obesity epidemic in America is a terrifying and growing problem, and I put my full support behind regular exercise and healthy eating. For that reason, I don't think mortal obesity is appropriate or attractive. However, I do hope that sometime in the near future "well-rounded" will become the "in" thing for bodies not just college applicants.

Things that are Hilarious #2: Scooters

Why is the image of people riding scooters so hilarious?

I've been passed by several people on scooters recently, now that the weather will permit someone without a full rain suit to be out on the roads. And I have to admit it has cracked me up every time! It's different than motorcycles or bicycles or any other type of two-wheeled vehicle. Perhaps it's something about sitting completely upright, as if one was in a job interview, but also wearing a helmet and whizzing down the street in the bike lane.

I'm not sure what it is, but our scooting friends are certainly giving me a good laugh as they whiz through this spring weather.

Oh Happy Day

Hello, dear readers! Sorry to all three of you for having been so neglectful of my blogging responsibilities of late. With the preparations for Holy Week, a Greek Exegesis Paper, and four sermons in two weeks, I've had my head in the books too much to think about my commitment to my friends in the blogosphere.

Just a quick survey that came to mind this morning that you may want to weigh in on: How do you wish someone a pleasant Good Friday? It is a major Christian holiday, but not really a commemoration of something that would make one want to say "Happy Good Friday!" or "Have a Great Good Friday!" As my beloved was leaving the house this morning, he decided on "Have a spiritually and religiously appropriate Good Friday!" But that might be too wordy to shout to friends as you leave your Easter Sunday prep meeting.

What is a good, holy-week-observant-girl to do????